STRATEGIES FOR MATE SELECTION

 

QUALITIES TO LOOK FOR IN A PROSPECTIVE WIFE AND A PROSPECTIVE HUSBAND

“MARRIAGE IS A MAJOR LIFE DECISION” - Marriage is something that will influence and affect one’s life both in this world and in the world to come therefore before making the great decision. God must be involved to make a happy home.

• Never rush into marriage, make sure he/she meets your inspired expectations, for thousand are mated but not matched. E.G WHITE says. That “the path of married life may appear beautiful and full of happiness but you may be disappointed as thousands of others have been”. Therefore before you enter into marriage examine carefully by asking the following questions:
• Will this union help me forward?
• Will it increase my love for God?
• Will it enlarge my sphere of usefulness in this life?

Answers to these questions will determine your happiness in married life.

• Make sure the individual you are planning to marry is emotionally, socially and physically worthy.
• Avoid the company of someone who uses profane languages.
• It is better to break unwise engagement than to endure marriage instead of enjoying marriage.

                  QUALITIES TO LOOK FOR IN A PROSPECTIVE WIFE

He who finds a good wife, findeth a good thing and obtaineth favour of the lord.

                The following should be duly considered in a prospective wife.

• Look for someone who will bring happiness to your home.
• Someone who will help you to manage your resources well. Who is not extravagant and will use all her earnings and yours to gratify vanity.
• A caring lady that will not only care for you but also for your parents especially at the time they need a strong son to lean upon.
• Someone who will not withdraw you from your society to carry out her plans and to suit her own pleasure.

         QUALITIES TO LOOK FOR IN A PROSPECTIVE HUSBAND

A lady who desires a peaceful, happy union or happy home and want to escape future misery and woe must seek for the following in a prospective husband:

• A man who expresses love and is of a noble character.  Someone that loves and fears God because if he loves and fears God, he will show you genuine love and not mere emotional fondness.
• Someone who she can find true peace and joy in his affection.
• Someone who will preserve her individuality and not a man that will enslave her and control her judgment and conscience.
• Someone who will allow her to honour God and preserve her body pure and holy before marriage.
• Someone who cherishes his mother and recognizes his obligation to his mother because if he respects and honours his mother, he will also respect and honour his wife.
• Someone who will be patient when you make mistakes, someone who have true affection for you.
• Someone who possesses pure, manly traits of character, someone who is diligent and honest.
• Someone who is hardworking, not idle and not lazy. 

                INTER-ETHNIC AND INTERRACIAL MARRIAGES:

ADVANTAGES AND DISADVANTAGES

• Most people naturally have a distinct picture of what their marriage or home would be. There is this expectation of perfect life, perfect home however, it is necessary to warn that no marriage can be rosy all the time and couples are advised to be patient when they encounter difficulties because such difficulties don’t last forever.
• In itself marriage is full of challenges which come at various stages and to almost every union. This can easily be explained owing to the fact that the two individuals had their different beliefs, traits, characters, orientation and interests.
• Amidst talks of unity and true nationhood, many still question the wisdom of marrying someone from a different ethnicity.
• When it comes to choosing a life partner, many Nigerians, regardless of educational and social exposure, are still guided by ethnic affiliations.  
• There are still families who frown at or vehemently oppose inter-ethnic marriage, believing that marriage is challenging enough without the added stress of language and cultural differences.
• Conflicts come from time to time which are usually resolved by the two individuals but in some cases with the intervention of a third party which could be another member of the family, friend and sometimes a spiritual guardian.
• Scenarios like these are witnessed both in intra-ethnic and inter-ethnic marriages battling with certain fundamental issues that bring about the differences usually resulting in conflicts.
• Despite advances in education and modernity, some Nigerians consider inter-tribal marriage an anathema, while others celebrate it as a potent factor for national development.
• In reality, these differences sometimes prove to be an insurmountable barrier in inter-ethnic marriages.  
• Wives who marry into a different tribe from theirs have been known to suffer emotional abuse and injustice, especially upon their husband’s death. 
• In spite of all these, there are many couples in inter-ethnic marriages that enjoy a long and peaceful married life.  
• Nigerians cite the traditional myths against other tribes in the country, for instance, among many of the indigenes of Plateau State, myths have it that the Yoruba are unusually skilled juju practitioners who could do almost any evil imaginable with black medicine. It is also said that the Yoruba are very dirty people who go to the toilet without cleaning themselves up properly.
• Among the Yoruba, the Igbo are derided as ‘ajokuta ma mumi’ (those who eat stone without drinking water), while the Igbo refer to the Yoruba as akintola, the name of an obstructive weed. Again, they refer to the Yoruba as ndi ofe nmanu (people who are fond of eating oily soup), thus ridiculing them. They also refer to the Yoruba as ‘Ngbati ngbati,’ due to their perception that Yoruba people use the adverbial item, ni gbati (when) frequently. 

Interracial marriage occurs when two people of different racial groups marry.

Challenges of Inter-Ethnic Marriage in Our Society

In itself marriage is full of challenges which come at various stages and to almost every union.

• What is the Area of Weakness? These questions range from the ethnic group he/she comes from, emphasis is placed on area of weakness of people from that ethnic group. For the non-literate parents they are concerned with the medium for communication between the two families, especially the son or daughter in-law to be, most painfully, the would-be grandchildren. There could be concerns on family history.

o   What are their cultural differences?

v  By interaction, the intending couple learns what is expected of a son in-law. It could be by way of simple gestures, pleasantries, gifts and so on.

v  On the part of the lady, tasks as simple as serving food to the in-laws which may require particular style, she may need to gesticulate.

v  The husband may always prefer local delicacies and soups from his area (village) these the woman must learn from the onset.

v  Modern ladies do not find this interesting as sometimes, they find it not convenient to do but on the long run it affects the relationship not just between her and her husband, but even the relatives.

 

• Communication: Still on the question of cultural differences, the indigenous language is most times put aside for a rather neutral national language or worse still, a foreign language or the official language (English) in many homes in Nigeria. Although it is important to mention here that it is not peculiar to multi-ethnic homes yet it is understandable why it is so.
• Style of dressing: Younger women these days have to contend with especially sisters and mothers in-law over their style of dressing, she may find quite comfortable but to the in-laws, it may not reflect the symbol of “married woman” it could be interpreted to mean non-submission or being uncultured if she does not cover her head all the time especially outside the house. It could be the issue of short dresses, trousers or make-ups.
• Mutual Respect: As much as we know of the secret fears parents of both partners might entertain at some point, there seem to be higher degree of respect for each other’s family especially coming from two different ethnic groups. People from same ethnic group seem to take too many things for granted and it is discovered that in most cases after a while, the families begin to treat each other with some air of contempt, taking things for granted.
• Gender Roles: Some ethnic groups have it that women should work very hard, if not harder than the men to be able to cater for the needs of the family. There are others too who do not believe in women taking up white collar jobs notwithstanding the level of western education she may have acquired. Yet another ethnic group believes that a woman sits at home to take care of the home, while making babies and “watch” them grow. In some areas it is believed that once a woman marries she takes one or two of her siblings with her and it became the responsibility of her and her husband to train them and even those left behind in the village. Consequently the man in this situation does not find it interesting but he is forced to comply, because that is what the tradition demands from the wife’s side. It may be alien to the man’s cultural practices and thus affects the smooth running of the home due to economic strain and lack of privacy in some cases.
• Sex: It is something out of place for the topic “sex” to be mentioned or even discussed among some races. It is considered a taboo. This goes a long way affecting a lot of things with one of the parties realizing it on time.

For example, the man may come from an ethnic group where it is believed that a woman has no say when it comes to the number of children they should have.

For this reason, the issue of child spacing or family planning becomes a serious burden on the woman who may not win the sympathy of her husband since it is not for her to decide, but of the god’s or God.

• Child upbringing/parenting: Certain ethnic groups believe that children upbringing is a principal responsibility of the woman.

Conflicts results in some of the cases and if the child is made to face the law, serious challenge is posed on the couple and sometimes lead to separation.

This all has to do with sometimes the involvement of the grandparents, where they interfere and stop parents from giving commensurate punishment to a child that errs. Sometimes the kinsmen or grandparents claim that a child is their forefather reincarnated, who should be treated with respect, or that a male child should not be involved in doing house chores, or that he is the only child or only male child.

o   Polygamy: Women generally dread polygamous marriage apart from those who are bound to          accept it as a religious obligation.
Circumstances varying from inability of the woman to bear male children sometimes bring about pressure from the in-laws or even the husband to take another wife who would bear them male children/grandchildren as they consider it a serious setback where male children are not born to the family.

o   Money: Certain ethnic groups in Nigeria believe that a man must be made or financially reasonably stable, with much emphasis before he can be given a wife. If at some point their finances are threatened, the parents of the girl would almost suggest their daughter quits.

ADVANTAGES OF INTER ETHNIC/INTERRACIAL MARRIAGES

• It enables the couple to learn about new cultures.
• It enables the couple to learn about new religion.
• It exposes couples to new ways of thinking.
• Incorporating aspects of the culture/race/religion into each other’s daily lives.
• Possibility of learning a new language.
• It affords the couple the opportunity of teaching others around them that inter-ethnic/interracial marriage is like any other marriage with challenges but worth it.
• Inter-tribal marriage allows people of a tribe to get familiar with the norms, values and taboos of another tribe.
• Having an incredible experience with someone you love and respect.

DISADVANTAGES OF INTER ETHNIC/INTERRACIAL MARRIAGE

• Gender roles will cause problems when each individual holds different beliefs about how the other person should behave. Disapproving in-laws are an issue in the majority of interracial marriages. 

·         The strategies for raising children born to interracial couples may become a challenge.

• Food and drink also become a problem in some interracial marriages.
• Different value systems.

·         Linguistic problems.

·         Sometimes, questions bothering on family history, for example sicknesses, death, character, occupation, size of family, successes and failures cannot be fully or satisfactorily investigated by both families.

·         Different orientations

 

 

Overcoming the Challenges in Inter-ethnic/Interracial Marriage

·         Do your best to make the introductory meeting as pleasant and enjoyable as possible.  First impressions are hard to erase.

·         Make sure you brief your fiance/fiancee beforehand on the aspects of your culture that are most important, especially the ones your family holds dear.  For example, some cultures require actual kneeling or prostration when greeting elders, while a simple curtsy or bow would do for others.

• Do your best to discourage stereotypes, and emphasize that each person is an individual and should be regarded as such.  

·         Develop an interest in the history and culture of your intended partners ethnic group.  If you are not familiar with their cuisine, be ready to learn how to prepare and enjoy at least your intended’s favorite dishes.

·         Accept the fact that marrying someone whose language you do not understand may make it difficult for you to bond with their family, and you may not be able to bear people talking around you, and maybe about you, without understanding what they are saying.

·         Always do your best to include your intended partner in conversations with your family.  If they refuse to speak English, or are more comfortable carrying on lengthy conversations in your own language, be ready to interpret.

·         Know that if a wife does not understand her husband’s language the children may never learn it.  Be open to the possibility of this and make peace with it.

• Know that you may face intense opposition from members of your family, so you must embrace patience and make sure that what you and your partner share is strong enough to weather the storm.
• Frustrations will arise—don’t take them out on your beloved. Always remind yourself why you chose this person.

·         Don’t lose your essence in a bid to prove that you will make a son-in-law or daughter-in-law.  If trying to become a part of this family is changing you, and you don’t like who you are becoming, it may be time to call it quits.  Marriage is a lifetime commitment and forever is a long time to be unhappy.